Find me a bandwagon and I’ll jump on it.
Ulster’s current band orchestra leader appears to have limped from the bandstand, without it must be said, much of a fanfare from the watching cast on the Terrace…
…but what of our other orchestra leader? He is very much in the forgotten man of Ulster rugby mode at the minute with not even the usual pack of dogs round the lamp-post able to cast light on his whereabouts.
Someone has taken the Humph or should I say, one of our tens is missing.
It would be fair to assume that the missing 10 is unhurt as he does not appear on the casualty lists published by UR at end of every squad announcement.
One must assume, without bothering to forensically dissect, that there is either a cunning plan to unveil an unpractised Humph on an unsuspecting Italian team or that he is parked in a UR backwater for crimes against UR or someone in the UR hierarchy.
Our backline needs to spark. On Friday night we seemed to want to get the ball early to Trimble, as if somehow or other the Glasgow defence, instead of crabbing across field would perhaps develop wooden legs and fail to deal with Trimble’s threat.
There was no doubting the speed of the ball coming out as we had a world class 9 operating from the base of the scrum, therefore one must assume other facets of play blunted our offensive strategy.
Put another way, the speed of thought required for the game we seem to want to play is available through mini Humph who despite his other much publicised and discussed technical failings, is the kind of player who will galvanise the backline.
I was passing the burger van at Ravenhill on Friday and heard this plaintive song coming from a small compartment to its rear. Very muffled, the words unclear but it’s plain to see someone wants to play.
Please release me can’t you see,
You’d be a fool not to play me,
to stop me now would bring us pain,
So release me, let me play again.*
*As sung by Ianglebert Humphledinck.
Winning Whilst Wondering
At the risk of repetition, as Dewi said, I said, it’s all about who is playing well come next April and May when the business end of the League and Heineken is underway. Gone is the inconsistency of last season to be replaced by a dogged sometimes almost dull approach and with it a winning momentum.
We are failing to play anywhere near our true potential but managing to achieve victory where once we would have fallen on the altar of doubt and lost.
Conversely we are perhaps running ourselves down on the altar of the previous season’s false dawns and doubts.
To elaborate…
Glasgow will no doubt have looked at our team list and saw a hatful of internationals and the odd world class player. I speak from experience when I say that running out on the park against ex internationals and well known senior players made you lift your game.
It could have a positive effect and act as a galvaniser to your game. Alternatively you could curl up and die. Most individuals lift their game in an effort not to be humiliated. Glasgow for my money were in that frame of mind. There was a determination not to be used as whipping boys in the League and it worked.
Ulster must be aware that teams are looking at their team list in the way that we looked at the Ospreys or Munster’s team list. It’s a new experience for us to be viewed as a major team in the big boys ‘shark pool’.
That’s my theory.
Mad Muller’s Theory of Positivity
Couldn’t help but be enticed by Muller World at Meet the Bokkers on Tuesday. Here was the 6’ 7” ex Springbok at his most congenial, relaxed, atop a stool and in front of an expectant audience he was the epitome of man in control of his sporting destiny.
Here are the mad Muller’s top 3 positive thoughts.
1. To barbecue twice a week in Ulster’s unpredictable weather. (By the way Johann, Lidl were doing a South African sausage offer the other week my sources have informed me.)
2. Get out of the group stages of the Heineken and no reason not to progress to the final!!
3. Beat Rory McIlroy at golf.
There’s something I like about this. Item 3 may be a bit tongue in cheek but the guy’s got balls of steel and the persona to carry them off in public.
Business Case Required.
Even though I’d finished my cornflakes the other morning, it failed to halt me dreaming about winning the lottery and a few million quid.
Having realised my dream, I decided I would join the URSC and invest some money for them to build a new and better hut at the end of the beer tabernacle at Ravenhill.
This would be a small covered stand with all weather protection and new counter facilities.
I approached my accountant who’d I’d placed in charge of my newly earned millions and asked him, was there any reason I couldn’t invest a couple of quid in the Ulster Rugby Supporter’s Club and other sporting entities linked to UR such as the UAFC and the FRU.
My accountant, a man named Bob, from McCausland, McGovern & Dubbin was unequivocal, that I first had to produce a business case to support my efforts to support these sporting bodies. Further, he informed me, he was unhappy with organisational structures in the Supporter’s Club.
The man at the helm of the supporters club would have to go before any money would be handed over Bob announced. Furthermore, the supporters club would have to review their structures and I would need to investigate past failings before they got their money or indeed the other sporting bodies I wanted to support would get theirs.
I was aghast and depressed in equal measure. I knew the FRU had big plans for expansion and that the UAFC was a smoothly run organisation with a top class website.
The URSC though, was an organisation with a megalomaniac at the helm, with a lifetime’s bus pass to the presidency. Then there were the strange cases of the no. 32 bus and a man called Stan amongst other things.
With no sign of the head man stepping down amidst previous unheralded grass roots support from the likes of the second class barrier crew and weather eye for the meedya, my money will remain in my pocket and the FRU and UAFC won’t be getting any funds either.
“All because of themuns’ in the URSC who don’t have greater good of sport and website owners at heart,” snorted BJ Bloggins of the Sunday Mirth.
Got A Quotaful
As someone who lives in a country which has quotas to redress employment imbalances and been the subject of employment quotas with all its pernicious foibiles in the field of promotion and opportunity, I was disheartened to read the latest nonsense from South Africa.
ABSA (one of SA’a leading banks I understand) and sponsor of the Currie Cup were letting it be known through an e-mail from its vice president, that they (as articulated by the VP,) were far from happy about the number of blacks playing in the top five teams in the Currie Cup.
There weren’t enough apparently, whilst the less successful teams, with more of a quota of blacks were not doing so well in the CC. ABSA made threatening noises to SARU about withdrawing sponsorship of the CC unless the imbalance, as they saw it, was redressed.
The banks long standing customers, were it seems, drawn from the Afrikaner population and there was talk of accounts being withdrawn in protest and some were I understand. Cue the sound of crunching reverse gears as ABSA gently backed down and the matter withdrew from public , like curtains being drawn at night.
That is the gist of it anyway. What I found so hilarious and probably many black players found equally depressing was the fact that the top five most successful teams in the CC had fewer blacks playing for them than the least successful ones, a point helpfully publicised by ABSA.
The aim of ABSA therefore one assumes was to make the competition more exciting and level the playing field by introducing more black players to the top teams or more likely the fulfilling of quotas in the name of transformation.
A novel idea this from a bank, who I’m sure fully played its role in helping to put the world’s biggest economies into reverse gear by questionable transactions and the interminable greed of its upper echelons.
They really need to get their own house in order and demonstrate responsibility before trying to reform others.
The Winner Caps it All
There was no contest in this week’s sartorial award for worst dressed supporter. With Kimble out of the running because of good weather, meaning he couldn’t tie his hoodie hood up with the bandana, the field was clear for Moondance to claim this week’s award.
A consistent performer all season, he was a clear winner with his baseball cap perched atop his head as if it were a union soldier’s cap still aloft after a battle.
Dewi and Ragin’ Raven were never in contention, being far too well dressed, with not even a pithy whiff of Smithy this week from Dewi. Disappointing there is so little competition for MD but then again I haven’t seen John E King about yet.
Confused
Talking of which. This weeks FRU site featured a picture of a middle aged man solemnly sitting behind a laptop and drew the headline of ‘the man behind the smile’.
Adjacent this URSC article there featured a half mugshot of a middle aged man smiling wickedly and drew a headline of, ‘Ulster Rugby announce team for Glasgow.’ Surely there is some mix up here but then again, do we really want to know anything about the grinning John E King?
Casualty by Twitter
A new and immediate form of injury update on UR’s players has emerged in recent times. The players themselves will update you on twitter at the blink of an eye and a drop of their beanie hat.
UR’s senorious and infrequent injury updates are like an old rerun of Open All Hours, way behind the times and completely irrelevant.
Next time you need to know how BJ’s hand is doing or Ferris’s shoulder is shaping up, just check their twitter sites!
Corrections, comments or questions?