In the Hyacinth House

Le Stade Hyacinth house

What are they doing in the Hyacinth house,

What are they doing in the Hyacinth house to please the lions,

yeah this day.

I need a brand new friend who doesn’t bother me,

I need a brand new friend who doesn’t trouble me,

I need someone yeah, who doesn’t need me,

I see the bathroom is clear,

I think that someone is near,

I’m sure that someone is following me,

Oh yeah.

Supporting Ulster can be like the Hyacinth house, a cocktail of paranoia, confusion, conspiracy, sublime and ridiculous. Why? Take last weekend, when a weather blighted trip to Brussels to watch a game of rugby turned into an epic akin to doctor Zhivago’s train journey across the Russian steppes followed by an ending straight out of ‘Night at the Opera’. That was just for the fans, who must have felt like those American tourists who do Europe in a weekend.

‘OK, zis morning ve are in Brussels, later today ve vill visit Paris and tomorrow you vill be in Luton airport, nice?’

For the players there were a delayed journey to Brussels, a train journey to Paris the next day and on the 3^rd day they played a match!  They were beaten or even steamrollered by a heavier pack on a heavy pitch.  The Ulster photographers by all accounts suffered heavy mob intimidation from Stade Francais staffers in a show of strength reminiscent of old style communist regimes and new world dictatorships. The behaviour of Stade Francais is a story book in good cop, bad cop antics, with Stade showing a row of shiny white molars one minute by declaring their remorse for stooping to the lowest common denominator in breaching rugby’s code of ethics by gouging opponents.

Conversely they have demonstrated all that is unpleasant when a bully has been exposed as a cheat by intimidating witnesses, claiming they are victims and so on. Hey, this is European rugby and the French, we have been here before as I recall the line of track suited French ‘security’ blokes who stood staring into the crowd at Toulouse after a player had physically assaulted an Ulster fan.

They of course faced the wrong way as the threat was coming off the pitch from players, not unto the pitch by spectators who showed remarkable restraint in the face of heavy handedness and physical violence.

The Many Faces of a Jackal

Some of that violence emanated from one Gareth Thomas, whom many Ulster fans will vividly recall his contorted visage, hate filled throughout the uncontrolled display of venom towards them at the Toulouse game.

Thomas is in the headlines again, this time “coming out” as gay and not unnaturally for him is unwilling to leave it at that.

I see the headline on BBC Sport bawls out, ‘sport must face gay issue says Thomas.’  I haven’t bothered to read it. The ‘man’ sees himself as someone important, with a message he thinks everyone will hang on to his coat tails to hear.

For me there are more important issues than being gay or not. He needs to own up to his snarling,  hate filled behaviour in Toulouse, as any decent minded witness will testify.

Thomas needs to go away and examine his whole attitude to those he appears to deem inferior to his own lofty and greatly self exaggerated image. Rugby is a broad church in my opinion, which can tolerate many kinds of religion, gender, politics and a host of other diverse issues. It cannot and should not tolerate gratuitous or institutionalised violence.

Telling the sporting world you’re gay is a message of self publication that has little resonance with those who enjoy rugby for what it is and not as a vehicle for one man’s journey of self discovery in the media.

In The Hyacinth House with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Schizophrenic performances are not all confined to sociopathic gay rugby players or marketing conscious, multi millionaire financed Parisian rugby teams. Ulster rugby fans themselves could hardly be blamed for wondering which face of their team will turn up next week.

This is not just limited to the raucous confines of its Ravenhill home and the comforts afforded by the 16^th man but away games as well.  They go away and beat the Ospreys one week and fall to Edinburgh and Glasgow at home with performances that are as unexpected for their lack of zeal as the away wins are spectacular.

So what can we expect on Saturday against Leinster? Expect us to lose by one point to Leinster in a battling display, thwarted by a Brian O’Driscoll forward pass, 2 Leo Cullen lineout takes against the head, 3 Shane Horgan verbals and a yellow card for Ryan Caldwell. This will be followed by a thrashing at home by a Munster 3^rd XV.

Isn’t it any wonder one can’t go to Ravenhill without thinking:

What are they doing in the Hyacinth house?

As BJ Botha might say: ‘We’re all in this together, oh yeah!’