‘Falling over themselves to get all, of the misery right.’
This line from the musical Evita, I think (FRU expenses don’t cover researchers!), has long stuck in my mind and seemed entirely apt last week when applied to Munster Rugby and its fans in the run up to last weekend’s game against Ulster.
From the Limerick Leader to the Cork Examiner and beyond, to the sporting tomes of the Irish Times and the totemic Thornley on a Tuesday, to the tendentious tones of Pat Geraghty, the Irish media helped perpetrate a paroxysm of pent up but theatrical misery at Munster team performance.
To avoid intoxication, one considered this phenomenon from a safe distance, as the Munster fans weighed in with anti coaching rhetoric, reasons to be miserable and introspection by the bucket-load to set the right tone of grief for a lost rugby experience. One suspected Munster rugby folk in general were rather like fish whom enjoyed the experience of breathing out of water, with all the attendant writhing around, thrashing of tails and gasping of orifices.
David Corkery one of the former hard men and loyal servants of Munster rugby, saw his code of honour to the Province sink faster than a suspect Afghan policeman, following his criticism of camp morale.
Into this cauldron of breast beating stepped the Ulster rugby team high on morale but primed to be wary, respectful and suitably cautious as though on bear patrol in the Rockies. Thomond was hardly the bear pit of yore as empty seats testified, but nevertheless it was noisy as the Munster fans attempted to galvanise the galvanised. One imagined Munster players tearing into tackle bags like stock car racers, striding up hills as though chased by mosquitoes and hurling themselves at one another like rutting stags. The team had underperformed up to now, hence all the weeping and gnashing of teeth. They had lost all their away matches bar one when Rolland had failed to suitably punish them enough for their ingenuity in committing infringements. Mind they came away from Franklin Gardens with a losing bonus point, gained a bp win at Thomond against Treviso and head their Heineken group. A win last Saturday would take them thereabouts, the top of the Magners depending on results elsewhere.
Still it wasn’t enough, the team were playing badly, star performers were off the boil and on top of that, high flying Ulster were on the horizon like a 40 ton juggernaut, steered by the 3 amigos, bearing down rapidly on sheriff McGahan’s 3 car road block. Worse they were minus a first choice front row and could only summon their reserve hooker, a French international and an Academy prop for back up. Their back row were on zimmer frames and their backline all carried white sticks. Of course they needn’t have worried as the team ran out bonus point victors and now sit proudly in 4th place in the Magners. All that beating themselves up was really worth it. All that introspection paid dividends in buckets. Ulster lent a kindly hand, deciding to downgrade their lineout to shambles level at key moments and were suitably helped along by a capricious Rolland.
As noted earlier, when Munster played the Scarlets, Rolland had yellow carded Leamy with 10 minutes gone on the clock such was Munster’s prolificacy in the transgression stakes and further carded Ryan later in the half. He failed to follow this up with a more severe sanction and Munster won the match at the death with a full deck on the pitch. Last Saturday night at Thomond we had the full deck on display and that was just the transgression zone at ruck time with Quinlan leading the way. The man has his admirers, not the least the SKY team. One imagines Will Greenwood keeps a little plastic statuette of Quinlan on the dashboard of his car. This man has committed more burglaries on the rugby pitch than a serial thief chortles Greenwood, or words along those lines.
Reality is summed up by Quinlan standing on the Ulster side of a ruck and holding an Ulster player by the shirt to prevent him defending the ruck. Some rugby men of an older generation chuckle into their G&T’s at the sight of this, perhaps forgetting the rough justice that came the way of such transgressors. In the days of absent cameras, and non-existent citing commissioners, Quinlan would have received a dig in the gob for his efforts. Unpleasantly he can revel in the luxuries of rugby obstruction without fear of a good ole fashioned slap. How many times does a team handle on the deck, all punished by penalties before a ref decides enough is enough. Munster perpetrated this particular feat three times, twice by Quinlan without Rolland’s hand straying anywhere close to his pack of cards in his pocket.
Probably two other disturbing aspects were Paul O’Connell in Rolland’s ear for much of the match like a schoolyard bully sounding off to a teacher. No doubt they were discussing their respective holiday destinations I imagine. Dowling’s pat on iHumph’s head after he’d missed a drop goal was just as obnoxious and drew an angry response from the normally placid castaway lookalike. Again in the places where the sun didn’t shine, in those distant days of rugby darkness, this might have elicited a more aggressive response from the victim of such gratuitousness.
For all Munster’s bending of rules, deck handling and referee earache, it was Ulster’s prolificacy at the lineout that really cost them any chance of a win. Mention lineout and Caldwell’s name springs to mind. To be fair the lineout functioned well the week before in horrible conditions with Caldwell making the calls but really the coaches need to revisit this aspect as it appeared there were difficulties with several players querulous with RC about either the calls or positioning. Embarrassments were compounded when Rolland decided to ask Caldwell if he was in or out of a lineout and Caldwell appeared confused, as if caught loitering under a street lamp. At ruck time he continues to look as though he’s standing on razor blades in his bare feet and generally draws attention to himself by peering in the direction of the referee as if hoping to get away with perpetrating a schoolboy prank.
I see he’s been dispatched south with the Ravens and hopefully that other Raven of the ragin’ variety to presumably bolster the ‘A’ team and practice his lineouts. Lineouts aside Ulster played and looked like a team on the up with nothing a bit of tinkering to the components won’t fix, a collective mojo in good working order and an ability to learn from defeats. Munster meanwhile have all the appearance, despite the width of the score line, of a team on the slide. One wonders how many times they can evoke this ‘nobody likes us’ motivational mantra before the paucity of their rugby sees them beached. That point could be reached sooner than later. I think it was Arsene Wenger who noted that teams at the top of the tree need to begin looking to the future there and then rather than when they hit the slippery slope. Munster got away with the attrition type rugby this time but it really was borrowed time stuff and the day of reckoning could loom as early as December.
Now it’s time to gather breath, take stock and reflect. Our next game will be against those architects of superb running rugby, gay ball handling skills and rugby width! Alright, I’m only joking, it was Glasgow I was talking about in case you hadn’t guessed. Like their Edinburgh neighbours the boot rules the roost and scoring tries is an atom of wonder such is the scarcity. I watched part of the Ospreys – Glasgow match last week and I’m still recovering from the mental trauma of trying to discover if it was a rugby match I saw. For sure if Ulster transgress through the usual suspects then they will be visited by Dan Parks boot, on their collective backsides and through the posts with a monotony that is almost mind numbing. It’s not pretty but it is effective in winning or should that be not losing games.
A monotony not unlike the UAFC board debates, such as the 5 page ‘Darren Cave off his feet’ when he skittled pat-a-head Dowling the other night. A diatribe on Invictus, the new film about the Saffies winning the World Cup encountered much discussion on Mandela’s status as white knight or demonic frog. Frankly it is hard to follow debate on this board given the amount of tittle tattle that often precedes or follows on from quotient points, many of which are well made by a few posters. I just hope Invictus, which apparently features Francois Pienaar ‘lookalike’ Matt Damon!, does rugby justice and doesn’t follow the dire portrayal of soccer in Escape to Victory. That film featured Sylvester Stallone as the most fidgety goalkeeper ever to loiter between the goalposts. Rocky looked like he’d been donated ants in his pants, so much did his legs dance about in goal, rather like Ulster’s own man with the ants at the ruck, Ryan Caldwell!
As BJ Botha might say, stop, look and listen!
Corrections, comments or questions?