With Denis Hickie being spotted in the crowd Friday week ago, it set off a whole motorways length, trail of speculation amongst Ulster fans. Denis on the wing for Ulster the UAFC blurted. The truth turned out to be rather more prosaic. The ex Leinster wing was on a scouting mission on behalf of his ex club Leinster. Oh!!! It was Hugh Grant sorry Farrell who broke the desultory news in the media.
Too late the Ulster faithful were already into a second chapter of speculation, as some hounds mainlined on the adrenaline of rabid and overwrought rumour. Jim Figgerty was next to be seen. The former fig roll commercial star was apparently not far away from Williams and definitely not giving Mike Reid nutritional advice. So why had that most elusive of characters, suddenly re-appeared and at Ravers to boot? Well it seems that Jim was once a wonder winger or so legend, as perpetrated by shadowy supporters would have us believe. Typically the other Jim, all the way from Fiji hadn’t quite lived up to his pre season billing. It was left to the will o’ wisp Figgerty to step down to the plate, minus a packet of fig rolls and answer Ulster’s call. Assuming Ulster were calling …
Much of his legend can be attributed to one game, indeed a single half in which he scored 13 tries before retiring ‘injured’ at half time. His team struggled on to a 75 point win outscoring their opponents 7 – 6 in the second half. At full time his triumphant team mates reached the council changing rooms, to find Jim long gone, leaving behind only an empty fig roll wrapper and a half eaten packet of Peak Freans. The following week ‘Jim Figgerty is missing’ graffiti went up on the side of the Cherryvale changing rooms. An irate groundsman who had already picked up the absent Jims biscuit wrappers, wrote an equally irate letter to Jim’s club, Maloan.
Dear Sirs,
I wish to complain in unequivocal terms about the abuse of council property at Cherryvale by your club members and in particular one Jim Figgerty who not only left waste biscuit papers lying around but also had the nerve to sign his name on the side of the changing room wall.
Deal with it.
Yours faithfully,
Randall Rascal,
For Belfast City Council,
Cherryvale playing fields
Dear Mr. Rascal,
We acknowledge your complaint against our club members and Mr. Figgerty in particular. We assure you it won’t happen again. Not the least because Mr. Figgerty is missing and owes his club membership. So if you catch sight of him let us know we are keen to speak to him.
Regards,
Dennis Peabody,
Secretary, Maloan RFC.
Sadly the sighting of Jim Figgerty couldn’t be substantiated and Maloan will have to wait a while longer for their money. Jim Figgerty is still missing. Notwithstanding, Ulster supporters are in full war paint and seeking conspiracy theories on a wing and a whim, rumours in a mill and gossip in a fishmongers.
Here is a sample of the sort of thing doing the rounds…
Dewi Barnes is allegedly a big girls blouse and has been spotted on the robust figure of a female member of the second barrier crew.
When Leinster and Ulster meet in their annual Christmas match at Ravenhill both teams will remain on the pitch at halftime and engage in a game of soccer before resuming a further 40 minutes hostilities.
Ryan Caldwell has Samoan parents and will shortly be selected for them (due to being ignored by Ireland) after learning the haka, tackling, chiropody and geography.
Andrew Trimble can’t play rugby…………….. honest!!
Isaac Boss is slow, Cillian Willis is quick and Paul Marshall is nowhere to be seen, really?
It was left to Kieran O’Hell, rugby correspondent for Fickle Ireland to explain all about the Ulster supporters.
“They’ve always been an imaginative lot,” said O’Hell, “scratch deep enough and they’ll even swear their team won the Heineken Cup once! ha! ha! ha!”
Corrections, comments or questions?