By Insider

Ravenhill lavatory attendant steps back from brink of quitting over employers lack of ambition!

Bert “The Rod” Plunger, a lavatory attendant at the Ravenhill ground of Ulster Rugby has unexpectedly announced he is to remain with the organisation for another five years just days after slamming the Ulster Rugby management for a lack of ambition and unwillingness to invest in new cleaning talent.

“ When I signed on we were looking at upgrading the hand dryers to those posh Dyson airless dryers and all those mysterious holes in the cubicle walls were going to be fixed as we pursued inclusion in the top tier of European rugby toilets, but now apparently the money’s not there. I took the job because I wanted to win things, but this year we didn’t even enter ‘Ulster’s Tidiest Toilet’ competition.”

Plunger, who receives the full minimum wage, had also complained that he has been doing the work of two people since his assistant Pedro had been kicked out of Northern Ireland by the UK Border Agency and now Pedro works, lives, and claims benefits in Portadown.

Meanwhile other similar facilities are awash with funds.

“ I’ve heard that the toilet facilities at Thomond Park are second to none”, said Plunger, “And I’d love the chance to work with some of their big name cleaning products. I know for a fact that they’re showing serious interest in Cillit Bang and when you consider that they’ve already got Toilet Duck attacking those hard to access areas and with Domestos leading the line for them the sky’s the limit when it comes to killing all known germs-dead!”

Now however, he has had an unexpected change of heart and renewed his commitment to the Ravenhill toilets. “ It was never about the money,” he insisted, “ although I do appreciate the new clause in my contract entitling me to take home all the toilet roll I need every week. It’s more about me and the management sharing a vision for where the Ravenhill toilets are going. I’m looking forward to working with the new work experience kid and helping to mentor the next generation of lavatory attendants coming through the Academy to become potential Ulster greats.”

Plunger denied that the u-bend was forced by a realisation that his prospects of picking up a glamorous transfer had been stymied by the recent discovery of some skid marks under a toilet rim, which had happened on his watch, or that Sunday Life reports of a sex scandal had left him with nowhere to turn. Plunger was adamant that photographs of pop star George Michael leaving the Ravenhill toilets with a big smile on his face coupled with his own well known reputation with a rubber glove and a toilet brush were entirely coincidental. “You gotta believe that!” he said.

Meanwhile Ulster CEO Shane Logan who was very annoyed by Plunger’s demands made a poor attempt at reconciliation and the Ulster cliché record when he said, “There’s no doubt that Bert looks strong and never gives less than 110% and we could have pressed for a European spot late doors but at the end of the day Bert had neither been ,‘sick as a parrot’ nor ‘over the moon’ for months. In my opinion that’s not a great advert for lavatory cleansing , and certainly no way to run a whelk stall”

He added, “If Bert had once come out and said he was gutted, or that he was taking each lavatory as it comes, he might have saved his bacon. A simple observation that lavatory cleaning is a game of two halves, solids and liquids, or that he was working his socks off might have saved him from an early bath, but it would have been too little too late.”

When it was pointed out to Shane that Bert had had a change of heart and had re-signed he said, “I’m not surprised because form is temporary but class is permanent and we have a mountain to climb if we’re going to turn our cleaning aspirations round, but I think we can dig ourselves out of it and become the top lavatory in world rugby.”

Plunger was philosophical last night as he arrived home at his bachelor flat in Malone Boulevard, Sandy Row. “All’s well that ends well,” he said. “I’d had a bad day at the office and felt like I’d been done up like a kipper. It’s frustrating to watch your best efforts go down the drain or the plughole and I’ve always avoided clichés like the plague, but at the end of the day you win some you lose some. Lavatory cleaning ? It’s a funny old game, but what I really hate is a ‘floater’.” he told reporters.

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