VISIONARIES REQUIRED

Pundants Redundant

This world cup requires visionaries to predict the illogical. Pundits have been left posturing and blustering, rendered redundant on a sea of floundering facts and fortunes.

Take France for example, does anyone with a modicum of a rugby brain know exactly what they are about? In the true fashion of French philosophical deconstructionism, Les bleus turn up. They play, sometimes badly or mediocre, they shrug their shoulders, they look disinterested, they win!

Can anyone explain how they win? Their back row hustles and bustles, their front row mooches about, they play a recognised scrum half at 10 and leave their 10 languishing on the bench. Fabled French back play is but a distant memory.

Pundits talk about their(French) strength in depth yet they have any number of contemptible age players in their starting XV. A conundrum and after losing two group matches they find themselves in the World Cup final.

Voila!

Housewives Favourites Exit.

Wales, France’s opponents in the World cup semi final were worthy victors over Ireland in the quarters and almost everyone’s favourite world cup team. What semi detached housewife could not warm to the winsome looking, diminutive Shane or the angelic Priestland.

Then there is wholesome jock, cheerleaders favourite, Sam ‘no malice’ Warburton. Who wouldn’t warm to this ‘charismatic’, non smoking, teetotal openside? His parents flew out to watch their son captain his country to victory in the semi final, at least that was the plan.

It was written in the starry eyes of all romantically inclined pundits and fans with typewriters. Sad for Sam there was one man in the building with IRB directives and written laws at his fingertips who refused to see the romance in Sam’s tip tackle on winger Vincent Clerc.

To be clear, the fact that Clerc didn’t suffer a long term injury or that Sam intended no malice or that this was the early stages of a world Cup semi final, is beside the point. The tackle was dangerous and the punishment was merited and critically, in accordance with rugby law.

I laughed at the no malice bit. As if Monsieur Rolland is obliged to check his criminal records to see if the culprit was a baddie or a goodie.

Imagine he might once have said, “Ah, Mr. Harrison you have a bit of previous here, that’s you off and … don’t come back!”

Whilst on Saturday he could have counselled, “Mr. Warburton, I’m surprised at you, I’ll give you a fool’s pardon on this one, you have an impeccable record, take 10 in the cooler and come back a better person!!”

Wale Has no Fury!!

Welsh indignation amongst fans and fans with typewriters at this perceived injustice, is only matched by their effrontery last March. Then they beat Ireland in the 6N with an illegal try and staged a celebration march round the stadium afterwards to applause from the adoring fans who, back then could see no wrong.

I find it hard to have any sympathy for them. The fact that Rolland has French parent and he’s Irish, really had nothing to do with it. I hope he continues to referee as he’s as good as anyone in the business.

Craig Joubert, a South African will referee the final. If the French have enough difficulty coping with their lack of playing pattern, an unfathomable attitude and tendency to ape England off the pitch in a manner of speaking, they will have their work cut out to avoid being unsympathetically refereed by Craig.

The plot goes like this. South Africa get knocked out of the QF by Australia and despite statistics so overwhelming in their favour in terms of possession, territory and everything else bar the score, they couldn’t control the breakdown and scavenger in chief Mr. Pocock playing at 7 for the Aussies.

Time after time the ball pops mysteriously on the Australian side of a ruck and it’s a mystery how it is getting there. Mr. Joubert then referees the Aussies against New Zealand and appears to have decided to keep an eye on Mr. Pocock.

After the first two penalties at ruck time go against Mr. Pocock he gets a message that Joubert is watching him. The result is his influence at the breakdown wanes and Mr. McCaw, the New Zealand openside has something of a clear field in this area of play.

France will not only have to deal with Mr. Joubert’s unsympathetic refereeing but also the increasing irritability of their coach.

Freddie Mercury Mark 2

Marc Lievremont increasingly looks like Freddie Mercury in his prime. Indeed he sounds every bit as irascible as the Queen star. Marc sounded off about his players celebrating their last win.

‘”I went to bed in a bad mood because I’d asked the players not to go out, and I found out a few of them had gone out,” Lievremont said. “I told them what I thought of them – that they’re a bunch of undisciplined spoilt brats, disobedient, sometimes selfish, always complaining, always whining. It’s been like this for four years.”

Facing a Piri Weepu haka will be a breeze after that hairdryer blast! Best bit was Lievremont – “We haven’t even won the World Cup – yet!

Triumph in ‘Oddversity’

If France do win, it will be triumph for the unlikely, the omnipresent, the opaque, obscure, the obtuse, the perverse. Perhaps though France will step out of the hotel and into the stadium and sniff the air and declare, ‘mon dieu, today we play rugby!’

Were Ulster to have as much squad v management disunity as the French have at the moment they would have imploded long ago. Perversely the French continue to defy logic and rational punditry.

My tip, for what it’s worth, is that France will triumph, by confusing the All Blacks into thinking they are playing a wet paper bag.

An evening with Bill and Payne & David, Lewis, Callum & Mike Too

The Supreme Commander of the URSC forces, Field Marshall Kimble was missing in action on Monday evening when the frat boys arrived to meet the support in the company of UR’s supremo Dave Humphreys or Humph Sr.

Proceedings were ably opened by Kimble’s Lieutenant, Mr. Bill with introductions and a spot prize for general knowledge on the Heineken Cup, won by yours truly. (The spot prize, not the cup!). Mind Johnathon did mention an epic match which is embedded in my memory deeper than a Katie Adie frontline billet with Humph Sr. setting, I believe, an unbroken record of 37 points in a Heineken match.

There’s not much to report except that Humph Sr. gave little away, saying that Ulster’s last 3 games have been approached and played the way the first 3 were.

He did mention scrums and goal kicking were not up to scratch and needed worked on. Other than that there was not a lot to get worked up about. Lewis Stevenson came across as extremely affable but also passionate about his rugby.

Jared by and large kept his counsel; Mike McComish talked a bit and came across as personable whilst Callum Black looks like his talents lie in the Andi Kyriacou school of front row clowning about.