SMASHEY AND NICEY GO TO DUBLIN

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Jim and Ryan prepare for another Ulster Rugby comentary. Will they be back next season?

Last week the Smashey and Nicey show went to Dublin for the evening.  Smashey is the gravelly voiced BBC Northern Ireland commentator Jim ‘Smashey’ Neilly whose every consonant is tinged with more gravitas than a JFK speech.

Australian, Ryan ‘Nicey’ Constable is the supporting commentator who is the agent for umpteen Ulster players and you are unlikely to hear Nicey tell it as it is when an Ulsterman drops a whopper. 

In fact during Friday week’s Magners semi final, featuring Ulster and Leinster, I just wanted to smash Nicey in the gob. Unfortunately Nicey was beyond reach as I was in my living room and he was in a commentary box at the RDS in the company of Smashey.

By the time Nicey called one of Mr. Clancey’s clangers as marginal I was ready to top myself.   Nicey probably imagined he was being thoroughly nasty but it was just another soluble soliloquism from the man who goes through the motions. 

No one was listening anymore, least of all me, I was beyond help.

Preparation of the Ulster Psyche

I don’t know who it is mentally prepares the Ulster for the big games. Head boy McGlock’s I suppose leads the brains trust.  

One feature that they seem to ignore these days is curbing the player’s enthusiasm. One realises certain players may be beyond mental reparation, players such as Deccie Fitzpatrick or the ultimate Mr Fidget, small Paul. 

Surely however other players such as the cultural Robbie Diack could be taught or instructed to curb the natural urges and walk on to the ball. 

This is not as hard as some Ulster players would have you believe, when they outstrip the pass and end up collecting the ball behind the earlobe somewhere, before giving away a scrum.

It helps watching the ball carrier, rather than your route map ahead. Frustratingly in Dublin Ulster did not help themselves by being over excited in the execution of their offense.

Johann Muller’s face appeared writ large on the TV screens as one of small Paul’s passes whizzed forward.  Partly it was Spence’s fault for overrunning but small P could have held unto the ball.

Anyway, Johann’s face like thunder said it all, for by this time Ulster looked like they wouldn’t score a try in a million years of trying.

A Physical Game?

At least we got the physicality required right, Friday week ago, even if certain basics deserted us. So physical in fact that the saintly O’Driscoll felt inclined to throw a punch.

Doubtless it will all be swept under the IRFU rug in HQ and BOD will continue his unhindered rise to rugby deity.

For sure had it been Henry land one on BOD there would be hell to pay. Equally sure was that BOD’s punch wasn’t even remotely in the same class as Manu Tuilagi’s on Chris Ashton in the Aviva semi final.

Manu threw 3 punches, the last being straight out of the Mike Tyson locker and it was small wonder Ashton stayed on his feet after it.

There are several aspects to this incident that leave me reflecting on certain aspects of rugby and the media view of it.

Tuilagi deserves punishment. He is from a lineage of rugby family that hails originally from the South Seas Islands. Though a British citizen, Manu pertains to all the characteristics of South Seas rugby, no doubt learnt from his elder brothers.

South Sea islanders are hailed as being physical with Brian Lima of Samoa once earning the sobriquet, ‘the Chiropacter’ for his rib tickling, cut you in half tackles.  These look great for the average fan and can be enjoyed from the safety of the sofa or stand.

I’m not a fan of this kind of twixt neck and chest tackle usually executed on the rise and with a swinging arm. See also the Jerry Collins tackling manual for examples of this kind of tackle.

Commentators as in Saturday’s Tigers v Saints match were either in raptures over the physicality of the Tuilagi brothers. Otherwise they were condemning the swinging arm which if not avoided by the recipient can result in serious neck injury and appalled by Manu Tuilagi’s assault on Ashton.

There’s Something Uncitely About The Saintly

The punches thrown at Ashton were in response to Tuilagi being pushed (kneed in the back?), after Ashton had been the recipient of an off the ball swinging arm by Tuilagi.

He has been banned for 5 weeks for his efforts but disconcerting is the number of players being banned over the last number of seasons in the Aviva premiership following entanglements with Northampton players.

Is this a result of niggle tactics being employed by the Saints? 

I have no doubt the uncommonly high number of incidents involving Northampton players where the opposition receive a ban isn’t a coincidence and needs investigation.

For now, Leinster watch out next week, like Ulster they should not rise to the bait and BOD will not want to be throwing haymakers two weeks in a row!

As it was, Richardt Strauss the Leinster hooker tangled with Dylan Hartley and was seen to have nearly had his finger bitten off by the Saint. 

Doubtless when the accounting is done, Strauss will be called to account for putting his finger in Hartley’s mouth, if past form (citing traits I mean) is anything to rely on.

Media Moaning

Sky pundits led by Will Greenwood continue to twitter on about the Aviva salary cap, bigger squads for Irish teams, the light hearted nature of the Magners League and anything else that can be used as an excuse for English teams performances in Europe and Irish team’s success rate.

It’s pathetic and sad in equal measure but also a cynical attempt to manipulate on behalf of SKY. 

Repeatedly citing factors such as salary caps not only denigrates the nature and quality of Leinster’s win in yesterday’s Heineken final but it also neatly obscures the attritional nature and boring repetitive style of Aviva Premiership teams. 

It’s the Aviva Premiership that SKY owns broadcast rights to and seeks to promote at the expense of other leagues and even in deference to it’s promotion of the Heineken Cup.

This is what happens when rugby sells it’s commercial soul to a broadcaster. It can be seen in the attempts by the IRB under pressure from broadcasters (SKY) to make rugby ‘entertaining’ so that audiences, mainly southern Hemisphere ones, will warm to it and SKY broadcasting.

Right now rugby is suffering from this tinkering of the rules. Yesterday’s Heineken final defied the IRB’s attempts at false spicing up of the game by being magnificent without resorting to the false pretence of basketball rugby.

Clancey Clangers.

I have long felt that George Clancey, in the main, only referees one team.  It has been evident in our games with Leinster he has reffed and in the Perps v Saints match.

Now I see Stephen Jones is making a voluble complaint about how he reffed Stade out of the game against Harlequins. 

I thought it was just me being biased against Clancey but his reffing cost Stade Francais the match they deserved to win!


2 responses to “SMASHEY AND NICEY GO TO DUBLIN”

  1. Ballpark

    Rocky – it’s a difficult choice. The financially enhanced tyros from Paris or the cheating folk from the Stoop. For me Quins got off lightly for their efforts to cheat their way to the Heiny Semis.

  2. rocky

    Clancy’s performance in the Saints v Perpignan game also left a lot to be desired from the French point of view. I’m still happy that Stade Francais lost because I think they are the French equivalent of the Ospreys (Toulon may soon overtake them) – a group of people rather than a team of players.
    Cheers,

    Rocky

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