It is with a heavy heart that I announce the death of the Ulster 12, summarily dispatched by a grand jury stitch up on Munsterfans. The jury comprising of umpteen posters of all ages and intelligence found the 12, guilty of crimes against Irish rugby and executed him forthwith.
A few weeks ago in my blog I demanded, nay made a plea, for the release of the Ulster 12 from his incarceration on the Ireland bench. Sadly it went unheeded and last Saturday he was condemned to die for failing to pass to Keith Earls and ‘costing’ Ireland the match.
There were of course worse crimes in this match, such as an illegal try being awarded to Wales when a touch judge failed to spot the wrong ball being used for a quick throw in.
This was a mere aberration according to the Munsterfans jury, compared to the Ulster 12’s crime when he cut inside an onrushing drift defence. He was eventually swallowed up but not before allowing the ball to be recycled so that a FRU member could knock on and end the match.
Munsterfans are every bit as impartial as an Iranian show court. So it was expected that there would only be one damming verdict, with the jury producing their very own photographic evidence in the shape of still photographs showing 15 Irish players in support of Paddy and one welsh defender facing him.
It was incontrovertible and wholly convincing evidence of irrationality when you wore the Munsterfans 3D glasses. Whilst being metaphorically halved by the Munsterfans, Paddy is still manacled to the bench for the England game and will remain there unless Ireland are reduced to playing more than 4 legless players.
My campaign for his release to Ulster colours continues unabated. Paddy’s defence lawyers were missing in action with Jumping Jackie ‘flash’ Brown, strangely and uncharacteristically silent.
Seriously, the nature of comments against Paddy Wallace, were disproportionate to his perceived crime. Starting with the verbally constipated Woods’ outburst on BBC and followed by comments on Munsterfans, verging on the sectarian about token Ulster players, quotas etc. they are a poor image of so called great supporters.
Goodbye BJ, Aloha Afoa
Unabated is the relentless pursuit of world domination by Ulster supremos, Shane ‘dominator’ Logan, and Wavey Davey director of rugby, Humphreys.
Leaving the laurels undisturbed following successful forays to Sharkworld and the Bullpen, the duo have continued to blaze a trail across the Southern Hemisphere and right into the heart of an earthquake zone to calmly make another marquee signing.
With Ravenhill finally looking set for its facelift and redesign and playing where they haven’t recently ventured on the pitch, in a Heiny knockout, things continue to show promise at Ulster.
Factor in the emergence of young and genuine talent at the Academy being gradually fed into the senior team and you wonder where it all could go wrong!!
Well defeat against the Dragons would be a serious blow to Magners top 4 ambitions but wouldn’t be a disaster. Yet there is so much riding on this game in terms of maintaining momentum.
Not much pressure on young backline then or Ruan Pienaar either, yet it’s games like these were the league is won or lost, a fact not lost, I’m sure, on youngsters Marshall, Gilroy and Jackson.
Thankfully we have some serious experience in the pack with our Springboks in particular being central to steadying the kindergarten end of the ship when a squall blows up.
One experienced Springbok missing in action will be BJ Botha. It is a moot point whether he will make it for the Heiny quarter final or not. If he does it will be possibly his last big hooray before he departs, apparently for Munster.
BJ was our first big marquee signing in recent times and it’s ironic he should find himself surplus to requirements next year, being considered surfeit to another marquee signing Kiwi, John Afoa.
So it’s goodbye BJ, aloha Afoa. I for one will miss BJ’s tweets on the vagaries of Ulster weather. The tweets generally took the form of cloud bursts of negative cyber, complaining about early darkness, four season weather in one day and plummeting temperatures.
Munster have secured the services of the great man, who I think will become increasingly injury prone as the toll of Northern Hemisphere rugby catches up with his slightly advanced years.
Nevertheless, one looks forward to more tweeting on the Limerick wind, Shannon estuary cloudbursts and Atlantic weather fronts.
I wish you well BJ and trust your prolonged stay in Ireland will be one of sporting fulfilment and meteorological memorabilia.
Event Sec Proportional Representation
I think I’ve spotted a correlation between the size of the Ulster squad and the numbers of event sec attending Ravenhill matches. The Ulster squad announced for Friday’s game numbered 31. Annie Hall who lives in no. 13 Onslow Parade was included in the squad as a sop to those residents opposed to the Ravenhill development.
Rory McIlroy was announced in the squad for services to Ulster Rugby though it was obvious he wouldn’t feature in the match day 22.
Rory in fact was spotted playing on the wing for Inst in the Schools cup yesterday and sadly like some of his golf this year found himself on the wrong end of the scoreline.
With such a large squad announced we can expect Event Sec to increase numbers for tonight’s match against the Dragons.
Checkpoints will be established every 10 metres along the Terracing, making getting to and from the terrace to the beer tent at halftime longer than a round trip from Tripoli to Benghazi and back!
Peter Allan features in ‘shoulda went to Specsavers’ adverts
Like Gareth Southgate, pizza ads and penalty misses, Peter Allan has agreed to feature in a Specsavers advert. Peter is shown adjudicating on the touchline at a rugby match and is cunningly asked by the ball boy if this is the right ball.
The ball boy shows him a soccer ball and Peter readily agrees, to howls of laughter from the spectators behind him. The orchestra plays ‘when smoke gets in your eyes!’ and a voiceover intones, “should have went to specsavers!”
Mr.Crozier goes to town
Great article in the Bele Tele by Niall Crozier on the Schools Cup final experience. Highlights for Niall were the lack of Jamie Oliver school of nutritious food, all coke and burgers, salt and sugar on offer and not a granary loaf in sight.
His description of the 20 event sec types holding a blue rope cordon at the end of the match being tsunamied by hordes of rampaging school kids was epic.
Intensity in the face of adversity
If only some of our star players had the same focus as the Japanese guy, who struggled in the face of tremoring adversity in his high rise office to reach towards his computer despite his chair carrying him away from the desk.
The guy reached uphill to his keyboard and typed a message to Human Resources requesting leave of absence from work due to an earthquake!!!! Alright the last bit was porkies but you couldn’t help but admire his perseverance.
Corrections, comments or questions?