SUFTUMism

Hirsute Chins and Chin Wagging

I was informed the other day by none other than Mr.Kimble, that I was turning into a grumpy old man. “You used to be funny,” he sighed. I entirely agree with the former and disagree with the latter. I have never been funny and don’t intend to change my ways now.

This is what happens when you find yourself standing in a queue for a meaty bap and a pint and get a reaction to your last blog. I now find myself a fully paid up member of the URSC. It’s what happens when you spend too much time in Mr. Kimble’s company, irrational actions multiply.

Having lauded Glynncommando’s Sheriff of Nottingham lookalike beard in last week’s blog and given him top marks for theatrical presentation, I was somewhat surprised to see he’d had a close shave and had opted for the vinyl floors of the member’s bar rather the marbled cloisters of Northern Italy to boot!.

GC told me was plying his rugby trade on the windswept reaches of North Down on a fitful basis. Was good to meet and greet in the confines of the member’s bar last week and gratifying to see so many make it down to cheer on the lads in Aironi.

I’m sure the players heard the faint strains of ‘Stand Up’ wafting towards them as they finished the match with 200+ ST’s, URSC’s and a few non ST/URSC’s joining in almost perfect harmony to sing Stand Up, standing up!

SUFTUMism

At a recent conference of the world’s leading cult academic’s, Dr, Barney O’Barber (Dr. BOB), who is Irish, reported to the conference how he first heard of SUFTUMism.

He recalled 7 years ago that a Scottish cousin told him she’d been to a rugby match in Murrayfield and reported seeing thousands of men, women and children in red and white scarf’s, coats and shirts, all sporadically standing and singing in unison throughout the 80 minutes of the rugby match and for some time after it.

The cousin reported another outbreak of SUFTUMism in Glasgow, again at a rugby game and of hundreds of men women and children standing up periodically, singing in unison. She said it had been difficult to see the game such was the number of times people around her stood up. Indeed the announcer at the ground begged the people singing and standing up, to sit down .

This was ignored as the people redoubled their efforts to sing and stand in sporadic fashion. Dr. BOB told the conference he believed he had found a new cult.

His research had first led him to the Masai tribe in Africa who do an awful lot bouncing up and down, accompanied by singing, but first indications were the cult was based in the province of Ulster and he could not find a connection though he spotted an Afrikaner version of SUFTUM known as SOVDUM.

Dr. BOB eventually found conclusive proof of this viral singing and standing up when his research led him to attend a rugby match at the Ravenhill grounds in Belfast. There he found himself surrounded by SUFTUMs and soon he was singing along as the words were very easy to learn, such was their repetition.

In presenting his paper to the conference he astounded his academic fellows with film of men, women and children, dressed in red and white and sometimes black coats all singing, clapping and standing up for the Ulstermen in complete harmonious unison.

An interview with the shadowy leader of the SUFTUM’s was shown and Dr. Bob pointed out that Terry O’Kimble was also the unofficial leader of much more virulent strain of SUFTUMism known as 2BC, which in turn spawned even greater virulent strains known as TOK, MUM and HWM. Dr. BOB reported to the conference that the 2BC strain of SUFTUMism not only stood up and sang but also waved flags of various designs.

Finally Dr. BOB revealed that he himself had been immersed in SUFTUMism and was signing off his messages on forums under a moniker with the code word SUFTUM at the end of each message. At that he stood up and began singing Stand Up For The Ulstermen and was amazed to find the conference room slowly empty.

It’s understood Dr. BOB is headed for Milton Keynes in April to practice his SUFTUMism. He’s easy to spot. He is a goat wearing a red and white striped scarf.

More Hot Air

I understand a hot air balloon has set out for Milton Keynes on a reconnaissance mission ahead of Ulster’s, April qf game. The balloon piloted by a well known Ravenhill Terrace regular contains, Dr. Terry O’Kimble of the Ulster Rugby Supporters Club, Dr. Dave, a Director in Ulster rugby, an unnamed season ticket holder and Ulster Rugby Chief Executive, Shane ‘world domination’ Logan.

A few miles out over the Irish Sea, the balloon lost elevation and the pilot informed the four passengers that one of them would have to jump into the sea in order for the balloon to gain height again. An argument broke out amongst the four men as to who should be jettisoned.

Mr. Logan made an impassioned plea to be retained, saying that Ulster Rugby needed him to carry them into the heady heights of world rugby domination. Dr. Dave reckoned his input to Shane’s mission was vital as he supplied ammunition for the world domination campaign.

The season ticket holder reckoned he was indispensable as he was providing the finance for domination and Terry O’Kimble was certain he was the only bloke who could rally the foot soldiers behind Shane’s war on other rugby clubs.

After their pleas to be spared being dumped overboard were seconded by each other, the four passengers turned on the pilot, a Terrace regular and chucked him overboard, into the depths of the Irish Sea. The four passengers have not been heard of since.

All We Get is Radio Ulcer

It’s the morning Radio Ulcer show and shock jock Barry Beltem is waxing lyrical on the virtues of being a supporter of Ulster Rugby.

Callers are lining up to tell Barry they so much enjoyed going to Ravenhill.

“I want you to picture this touching scene,” intoned Barry, “thousands of youngsters standing on the Terraces, seated in the stands, perched behind the railings, holding their mummy’s and daddy’s hands, just…just watching their heroes,” he gushed.

As callers reach a crescendo on how brill going to watch Ulster Rugby was to them, Barry announced that Colin from Galgorm was on the line.

“Bunch o’ bigots,” stormed Colin.

“Now Colin, I need to get inside your head this morning as to why your thinking these bad thoughts.” rapped Barry.

“I want you to speak to these rugby supporters your calling bigots, here we go!”.

“Marge, Colin is still on the line.”

“Colin, I think you’re a disgrace to be calling those names”

“No I’m not, I’m just a Ballymena United supporter who wants some publicity,” moaned Colin.

Barry interrupts to say the news at Ten is about to be read.

Just another day of pathos and stage managed confrontation on Barry Beltem’s Radio Ulcer morning chat show.