DEVELOPMENTS

Developments:

There are 4 categories of development in this article.

• Category 1 – Event causing change- ‘an incident that causes a situation to change or progress.’
• Category 2 – Process of change – ‘the process of changing and becoming larger, stronger, or more impressive, successful, or advanced, or of causing somebody or something to change in this way.’
• Category 3 – Incomplete state – ‘a state in which the developing of something is not yet completed.’
• Category 4 – Group of buildings – ‘a group of buildings of the same kind that are built as a single construction project.’

A Category 1 Development

In a surprise development today, that surprised no-one very much except Mrs. Maggie Curry, she was named in an extended Ulster squad for this weekend’s Heineken cup match against Biarritz Olympique.

Ravenhill cleaner Curry, who is 3 months pregnant was nonplussed when informed of her inclusion in the squad along with the likes of internationals such as Ruan Pienaar and Andy Trimble.

“Aye, away and give my head peace,” she rapped, “for gawd’s sake catch a grip will ye!”

Equally surprised but more pragmatic was Ravenhill groundsman Eddie Beings, who was informed of his squad inclusion as he sat having a quiet smoke in the middle of the pitch on his tractor.

After a long draw on his fag, Eddie paused to mutter, “feckin’ honoured, honoured, believe me.” Asked what he’d do if he was included in the match-day squad, Eddie muttered something about digging out his boots before drawing away from the assembled hacks in a hail of freshly cut grass.

Coach McGlocks would not be drawn on the inclusion of groundsmen and cleaning ladies in his squad but did say cryptically, he was covering all his bases.

A Category 3 Development

Was arrested by the sight of Brendan Venter the former Saracens coach and all round moaner on the near death state of rugby and the fallible enigma that is rugby refereeing, as he struggled round Forestside before the Ulster game with Leinster.

Sensing a scoop or a dig on the nose, given Brendan’s propensity for dodgy interviewing, I cautiously approached and asked him was he looking for some former Springboks.

“Ah Forestside,” said Brendan distractedly, gazing towards the M & S coffee shop in the distance, “nice place, very nice place.”

I asked him was he casting his eye over Leinster before their Heineken meeting this weekend.

“Leinster, yes, yes, good team,” rasped Brendan in his clipped South African accent, “yes very good, very good indeed.” He continued to stare over my head towards something in the distance, as if I wasn’t there.

I told him Big Jo, 3N’s and BJ all come here, I’m sure they’ll be here any minute I ventured, increasingly concerned that he was not on this planet.

“Jo?, BJ? 3N’s?, I don’t know, I don’t know,” muttered Brendan before hurriedly shaking my hand and darting off through the crowd of post Boxing Day shoppers.

I stared at the retreating shambolic figure, a sort of tea cosy stashed across his head and wondered was that really Brendan Venter I had just spoken to?

A Category 2 Development

It emerged today that BJ Botha, the eternal sun seeking and Ulster’s most weather beaten prop, may call it a day at the home of 140 kph winds, horizontal rain, minus nth degrees cold and dark mornings beyond sunrise.

Thinking of Durbs everyday has caused BJ to wonder why it remains dark in Ulster after 8.00 a.m. in the morning. Patiently explaining Ulster’s position in relation to the equator, the curvature of the earth and the close proximity of low cloud to BJ has caused Ulster’s director of rugby to wonder is the great man looking for an excuse to escape Ulster?

BJ is promising an announcement this week but it is thought that is to herald the birth of his new born. Mind, given the amount of heraldic announcements on an almost minute by minute basis of this or that white knight re-signing to the colours of Ulster’s Camelot, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sir Brendan signed on for another two years.

To be clear, he did tweet that he missed Durbs every day but then again he also tweeted that he would return there someday.

A Category 1 Development

In an interesting development of a new tactic it has emerged ahead of Ulster’s predicted, high wind, lashing rain encounter with Biarritz, that the team ‘road tested’ the pass from hand to foot.

Rubbished by Eddie O’Sullivan on the beeb at half time as being lucky, the passes from hand to the feet of Nevin Spence and Adam D’Arcy for tries would now appear to be a cunning plan to avoid knock – ons in foul weather.

With Spence being a former Norn Iron under 16 footballer, passing to his feet, where he is equally adept as with handling a ball, makes sense. However D’Arcey, an Aussie, for whom footie is just an aerial ping pong version of Gaelic, showed unexpected boot to ball skills when he went over for one of Ulster’s tries last Friday.

Supporters can expect to see the backs, bar Andy Trimble, who is footie useless, putting boot to ball on Saturday at the end of killer passes in monsoon like conditions as Ulster, by any means, put Biarritz Olympique to the sword.

A Category 4 Development

Developments to be cheerful – Part 4. This is the Ravenhill development which is currently nearing the end of planning stage and assuming funding from the hot air balloonists in Stormont is forthcoming and no other obstacles can be scraped from the bottom of the consultation barrel, then we should see three new stands.

In the absence of a meaningful rugby diet, the UAFC messageboard faithful indulged in a little barrel scraping themselves, by researching the depths of government website detritus to find such nuggets as the Ravenhill residents view’s on the Ravenhill stadium development.

Not unnaturally any Onslow Parade/ Ravenhill resident who is delighted with the development failed to mention this to the planners whilst the disaffected few seemed to have lined up to express their discontent in a strangely uniform and consistent wording.

What is so arresting about this development is not the planned four sided stadium proposals, the 600 person bar/ restaurant, the amount of drinking areas or even the amount of increased seating, (18,181) but the depths to which the UAFC punters trawled to get information.

Unfortunately for some the art or act of looking for information on something as simple as the plans evaded them, not the least dropping into the UR offices at Ravenhill and looking at them on the wall.

Finale…

The portal to this site, reminds me of the front room of my house, there is an artefact that reminds me of Christmas. My Christmas tree still stands proud but unadorned and needs to be put out of its misery.

The stern, unblinking features of Dergman still glare out at FRU punters as though reminding the world he still hasn’t got his Stella Artois back.

Perhaps someone will buy him a Stella if Ulster win on Saturday and we will be released from the iron glare of the Dergman