Always first with the news The FRU are pleased to inform you that we have signed an exclusive deal for the publication of the diary of a young man in his quest for World Domination. Through his careful documentation of his master plan on a month by month basis the diary gives an exclusive insight into the decisions and dilemmas behind life as The Dominator!
Read the first instalment today.
To Do: Get Tubby Reid out of his office.
?Top hole start to the New Year as I led my boys to three successive wins. I haven’t even officially taken charge yet as Tubby Reid has still to clear his desk (or finish off his pie store more like) but you can tell I’ve already had a great effect on the troops morale.
Yes my platoon did me proud beating Munster, a team from somewhere called Limerick in the dammed Republic of Eire, I always thought that limerick was a spicey poem that old Bunty Warburton used to tell in the Officers Mess when we liberated Uganda in ’84. Next up we drove back the Scottie hordes giving Edinborough a sound thrashing at HQ and I’ve no doubt we would have done the same to those dammed Taffies The Osprelias if they had bothered to show up. No props! Eh! Eh! Well I’m sure there are plenty down the pits if they only bothered to get off their hairy Welsh arses and looked! What! What! Never trusted the bloody Welsh in the barracks – always seemed to weedle their way into the Quartermaster’s stores and supplied the troops with hokey kit.
Anyway followed up those two wins by giving the English a bloody nose with a magnificently orchestrated campaign against Bath City. Old Snapper Dickson tells me we’ve already qualified for Europe which just shows what an immediate effect strong leadership can have and I’m well on my way to completing my World Domination Plan (WDP) in two years.
I’ll have to have a word with Snapper about doing his sums properly as it seems we haven’t qualified for Europe after all, bloody fool. Not all is lost however, still time to pass that SNAFU over to Tubby Reid before he goes and I can sit back safe in the knowledge that I’ve already led the boys to victory over the Irish, Scots and English so that’s nearly all of Her Majesties United Kingdom conquered already but I think I better slide out my WDP to three years.
To Do: Prepare WDP.
My first month in charge and already my WDP is in danger of slipping out another year.
No one told me that the Irish Rugby Football Union can take our best troops whenever they feel like it. What has Ulster to do with Irish Rugby? That would certainly surprise my old mates at the shipyard as most of them believed that the world ended at Newry and if you drove on you fell over the edge! What! What! Bloody Irish must have taken over when I was overseas working as a mercenary for Coca Cola in their putsch to drive Pepsi out of Russia!
Well, with all my Lieutenants gone and even my Captain Roly Best seconded to the Eire XV it was no wonder that we nearly lost to the Welsh Dragoons only holding the Taffs to a draw at HQ. Poor show. I decided it was time to give the troops a morale boosting chat so I told them a few stories about my campaigns in the Congo Republic of Uganda and in Iraqistan and how I had looked death in the face and stood firm while studying for my Law Diploma at the Manchester College of Fine Arts. Seemed to have done the trick.
Had a word with that nice David Humphreys about getting some bloody big mercenaries in should our boys be picked for the Eire XV again. Sent him off to South Africa to get some of them bloody big Boers – nasty big buggers but just the sort you want covering your back. Used a lot of them in my Ugandan campaign.
Had a chat with some cove at the BBC. Mrs L said I looked quite statesman like on the old goggle box when it was broadcast, just like Churchill. Slipped the old WDP out to five years.
Some chap called Isaac asked to speak to me about his contract – told him to go get his hair cut first! Seemed to appreciate my firm hand!
To Do: Buy a Taff.
Bloody Nora – done over twice this month by the Welshies. Told that nice David Humphreys to go out and buy us a Taff straight away. Said he’s got some cove called Xavier – dosen’t sound like a sheep shagger but David informs me he’s a shagger all right. Did warn him to make sure all contracts were signed as you couldn’t trust the Welshies – dammed rum lot in the barracks. David said it was all right as he actually had a law degree. He also said that my TV appearance last month was unbelievable but, too much of a good thing and all that, and maybe it would be best if I left that sort of thing to him and concentrated on my WDP.
Good chap and quite right too. Them Welshies are proving to be tough nuts to crack. We may be the best team in Ireland, Scotland and England but we haven’t turned over the Taffs yet though I’m sure the Boers will sort that out when they arrive. Just in case I’ll move the plan out to six years.
Met a funny little chap called Kimble – said he ran things round here and if I wanted anything done to just tip him the wink! Nothing gets done round here without his say so and I better not forget it, which was nice of him to say. He wants me to talk to the riff raff next month about my WDP which I think is a good idea. David thinks it’s good too as he said “Oh Christ! Brilliant – just what I need!” when I told him.
Told David about that chap Isaac and how I’d given him short shrift about his hair. David said not to worry as he won’t be around long. He did add that he may come back to haunt us, which I thought was strange!
Second instalment tomorrow.
Legal disclaimer: None of the above is true. To the best of my knowledge! Oh yeah -the picture is a Photoshop – it didn’t really happen.