MILITARY TEDIUM

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"We're going to be offside this much!" The All Blacks outline their game plan.

Never thought I’d think it but I’m paraphrasing one of Stephen Jones clichés as I find myself spectacularly unimpressed by the Autumn Internationals. It was military tedium, with interminable scrum resets and swooning over the All blacks on a scale not seen since Tom Jones was thrown a couple of pairs of knickers in a Vegas show.

Wales won nothing at all, recording a zilch on the statistical register in the wins column, whilst everyone’s favourite team won almost everything and over, almost everyone, bar a few dissenters who saw them close up and didn’t like the view.

Ulster’s Stephen Ferris was one of the first of a number of the high profile public dissenters who denounced the Blacks prolific ball killing when the opposition got in the red zone. Naturally enough the All blacks coach poo pooed Stephen’s audacity but lo and behold he was followed shortly thereafter by Denis Leamy, another high profile back row who didn’t like the results of his ruck inspections when playing the AB’s.

How long before this momentum grows to a chorus, as this would be just the first wave of the, NIBTAB’s or ‘not impressed by the All blacks brigade. They will surely gather force by the time the next RWC comes around. Momentum of its entirely own kind, unique to a lone poster on the UAFC, gathered like a ripple and petered away like driblets into sand.

Jackie Brown was having none of this gushing rugger stuff.

I did watch it, wish I hadn’t, pure gash, thank god for sky plus, I was able to fast forward through the constant scrum resets’, chortled Jackie, in his own highly personal form of self expression, much like a friendly dig in the ribs.

I felt that sort of disillusion with the rugby on offer myself and actually looked forward to an Ulster game for a change having enjoyed their own brand of counter attacking rugby. A trait Ireland could pick up on, though I imagine they won’t.

The white knights are a tad unfashionable with only the redoubtable Ferris a shoe-in to the Ireland breakfast club made up of untouchables and next to untouchable who will automatically be selected irrespective of form and performance.

Mind that is not to deny 1F his place at the top table as he has been in impressive form and the Heaslip to Ferris double act of the Autumn could be one you could be hearing for a few years yet.

Bread, Butter, Heineken and Magners

Hopefully Stevie will carry his good form into the League and form the same understanding with Henry or Diack or whoever plays at 8.

Whilst the Magners is critical the Heineken assumes almost the status of a personal crusade for Ulster now, having failed to achieve breakout from the group stage since the last century. The Bath game at home is going to be a season maker or breaker one ventures, a loss here and we can say goodbye to another season and welcome yet more underachievement.

We need to cut the penalty count, the way Brown logging cut trees. With efficiency and militaristic precision.

First we must get it right against the Dragons and definitely shouldn’t be treating them with any kind of disdain as we look ahead to Bath. Our record against the Dragons requires correction, they are one of our recent bogey teams for reasons explicable only to mediums and spooks.

Nevertheless given our new found counter attacking philosophy and short range box kicking game we should have enough firepower to send the dragons back to Wales with nothing but a cold for their pains.

Robbie Diack – Ice Road Trucker?

Unfortunately firepower of a different kind is missing as the game has been called off due to a frozen pitch with heat the absent ingredient. Like the e-steamed editor I had typed this part before the bad news reached me by radio, internet, text and carrier pigeon.

The only medium I didn’t hear it through was twitter. Nevertheless Ulster players are taking to twitter like rabbits take to breeding in spring. Robbie Diack was in Ballymena in support of baby Humph and found driving in the snow very interesting.

One imagines Robbie would make a very good Ice Road Trucker. He can certainly sing better than IRT’s Alex, hums less than the foul mouthed Hugh and would be a mile better driver than the gormless Greg.

Niall O’Connor was meanwhile offering a riposte to Paul ‘Marshy’ Marshall’s tired arms after draining, training, in the pocket at Newforge. Marshy has T-Rex arms according to Niall whom Marshy accused of standing so deep he could hardly find him.

Ulster fans may well empathise with Marshy’s distressed limbs having witnessed a few in the pocket performances from ‘steady’.

The Bear, aka Brian Young continues to dialogue in sitcom mode with Dan ‘the man’ Tuohy.

A while ago the Bear published a picture of a very distressed box of Quality Street lying on a sofa with just a few sweets left and many empty wrappers sprawled around the now deserted box. ‘Who took all the Quality Street?’ tweeted the Bear to Tuohy.

Dan refused to rise to the bait but later revealed that he was finding it hard to survive December without anymore Quality Street. This one could run.

Not to be outdone Andy Trimble was relieved he could now remove his tash following his upper lip hirsute effort for charity.

Wondering about doing it all over again Andy received a suggestion from a friend that he could take donations for NOT growing it. Andy’s response was not recorded for posterity.

Robbie Diack is once more back in the snow at Dublin Airport and pondering another ice road trek in the car. The man is a sucker for punishment.

My Back Pages

Had been looking forward all week to Friday night’s game and suddenly it’s not there anymore. Like a junkie I need my fix of rugby, so hopefully Leinster can fill the vacuum.

Had a couple of, borrowed and blue rugby programmes sitting on the computer top for a few weeks now, just waiting for a snowy day. Here’s a few extracts from the back pages.

Quick fire questions to Brian ‘The Bear’ Young reveal he is:

  1. Not tight.
  1. Would save his girlfriend in a house fire.
  1. Would be an environmentalist if he wasn’t a rugby player!!

Brian O’Driscoll on the new stadium to be built in place of the old Lansdowne Road:

Hopefully when the new stadium is built at Lansdowne Road we can redress some of that disappointment by building a winning culture.” Erm Brian, ‘we’ll see.’

When Ulster played Toulouse in the European cup Quarter final, Justin Fitzpatrick was just 25years old, the recently retired Bryn Cunningham 20 and Willie Wallace was the bagman for Ulster.

In October 2005 the IRFU announced Brian McLoughlin as their new National skills coach. Many of you will know McGlocks as the current Ulster coach. Time stops for no–one! It was the same time as Isaac Boss joined Ulster from Waikato in New Zealand.

Finally the Bear’s funniest moment:

Justin Harrison calling him names!’


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