URSC OFFER TANTRIC SEX LESSONS TO AID RECRUITMENT DRIVE
In a bid to drive up membership of the Ulster Rugby Supporters Club, current chairman, The Original Kimble, has volunteered to instruct new members in the joys of Tantric-Sex.
Kimble, who has travelled widely in the Far East, as far as Poland, has learned the secrets of the Hindu mystics who first discovered the non fulfilment of Tantric Sex. Said Kimble, “If your lovemaking, just like your support for Ulster, has become an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, then you should join up for my classes. Tantric-sex teaches you to compare your own below average looks and low self esteem with normal people enabling you to open up a whole new world of sexual un-fulfilment. If you think that your sex life is bad now, after my lessons you will realise how bad it really could be. I will teach you a number of new positions, amongst which my own particular favourite is ‘The Plumber’, i.e., that’s where you stay in all day and nobody comes !”
Apart from being Chairman of the URSC, and a Tantric-sex expert, Kimble’s other claim to fame is that in 1976, immediately after an intense period of pot smoking and transcendental meditation, for several months he was secretly married to a goat,although not a lot of people know this.
BOSS RETAINS ‘ULSTER RUGBY HEARTHROB’ TITLE FOR ANOTHER YEAR
As expected, Isaac ‘Hugo’ Boss has topped the FRU poll in the search for ‘Ulster Rugby’s Heartthrob’. It is believed that most of his votes came from Goodaine though for a while it appeared that Bryn Cunningham would run Hugo close, but an investigation showed that most of Bryn’s votes were cast by himself. Then he was disqualified after failing a routine dope test which showed that he had been drinking his own bathwater.
The FRU caught up with Goodaine to get reaction to her favourite winning. She took a long swallow from her pint of Guinness, tucked a fresh plug of tobacco into her cheek and chewed for a few seconds before launching a stream of tobacco juice with unerring accuracy into a galvanised bucket ten feet from the bar before saying, “I sure do fancy that boy”.
It must be said that Hugo wasn’t always the pin up he is today. Fans may remember how he sported an Amish style beard a few years ago and for a while he tinkered with hair braids. “When I went through that phase, I thought I looked cool,” Hugo told the FRU, “But now looking back I realise I looked homeless”.
Hugo’s success however has been greeted with dismay by Ulster Rugby CEO, Mike Reid, who said,” With his lantern jaw, his twinkling eyes, and his flashing smile, I dread to think what would happen to attendances at Ravenhill if Hugo would suffer an injury and be missing from the team for a few months. It could lead to a great loss of revenue as the only people coming to Ulster’s matches would be those who are interested in rugby.”
FEMALE BRANCH STAFF RESENT FANS ADMIRATION RESERVED STRICTLY FOR TEAM
There appear to be rumblings coming from within the head office at Ravenhill, and they are NOT from the Fat Controller’s stomach. The FRU has learned that a number of female members who work in the front office are not happy about the way fans have reserved their admiration strictly for the team. A spokeswoman, who must remain anonymous, told the FRU that she was fed up answering stupid questions about Paddy’s knee, or Bryn’s ankle, without so much as a comment about her wellbeing. She said that guys coming in for match tickets didn’t even leer at them, or offer some smutty innuendo, and she was sick of it. Even a bit of old fashioned sexual harassment wouldn’t go amiss at this particular time she complained. She told how two old guys from the country came in one day and told her that they were looking for romance and that they had been told that there were some pretty girls at Ravenhill. She said they looked in the office at all the girls working and demanded to know where the pretty girls were. Bastards!
She reckoned that what the girls needed was to fight back and one idea was to persuade Mike Reid to permit a Thong Day. The idea would be that the girls would all wear thongs and white trousers or skirts and see if it had the desired effect of getting them noticed by fans. However it appears that Reid is in favour of trying to arrange an offer of discounted spectacles with Specsavers for season ticket holders. The FRU would appeal to fans to show patience and await the outcome to see which suggestion is taken up.