The FRU have today received a statement from the 2BC which says,

“Well, you crossed the line, that’s for sure. We’ve been insulted before but until today we’ve never been attacked with such appalling accuracy. We cannot believe that you had the gall to unleash that torrent of utterly valid criticisms. Vicious founded attacks like yours cut deeper than any knife. We’ve had some low down snakes spit their venom at us before but they were usually such overdone and unwarranted insults that no one could take them seriously. But you sir, at the FRU, how dare you look us in the eye and see through us to the the deeply flawed people that we actually are, let alone sling your poisoned barbs with such unerring accuracy. How dare you point out two contradictory statements that we made and then ask us to reconcile them. That kind of smear tactic gives us no chance to avoid being justly branded as liars. We really thought you were above that.”

But the accusation which hit the bullseye was when you called us immature, painting us as “emotional infants incapable of interacting with others in a meaningful way.”

“Again, drawing on what you have actually observed rather than ad hoc attacks you have used our patterns of behaviour to draw a cohesive portrait of needy ,self centered individuals, forever wallowing in their own tiny universe of grudges and misplaced blame. You have destroyed and impressed us with your masterful insight into our psyche. Anyone can insult a person, but you tore us apart with your well informed, well reasoned line of argument! You sliced us to helpless ribbons using the English language as a scalpel. Congratulations on a masterful critique and a thousand curses on you sir !”


Ravenhill, Belfast.- Ulster Rugby CEO Mike Reid has disclosed that he is becoming increasingly alarmed by the low quality of fan suicide notes which have come to light following a run of poor results by the Ulster Rugby team.

Reid said, “Not three days ago, following the Glasgow match when Ulster were defeated at Ravenhill I spoke with a wife of an Ulster Rugby fan who took his own life after that result. He had left a note which said,”Fourtress ravinhill my arris whole,Ulster are krap, I’m gonna blo my head of.”

“What do you say to a woman whose husband had such poor writing skills? More importantly,” said Reid, “what does it say for grammar schools,the bedrock of rugby in Ulster, when I find suicide notes full of double negatives, split infinitives, improper word use and in the worst cases,unnecessary use of the passive voice!”

Calling the decision to take ones own life one of the most important decisions a fan can take Reid said that to leave behind such poorly written and misspelled suicide notes of the type found recently is “tragic beyond words” for the loved ones left behind to pick up the pieces.

Reid said that early detection and intervention is crucial.

“My advice is this,if you know a fan who seems to be exhibiting the sort of low self esteem and withdrawn alienation that often occurs after poor Ulster results, for God’s sake, get them into a one on one writing tutorial immediately.”